Is This Good Writing? (Story for School, in 8th Grade)?

Good start, but maybe you should change the some of the names the best character names always have a high vowel count. Try using names like Aaron or maybe Eugine this way your protagonist will really pop off the page if you know what I mean. Also, maybe you should add a some sex appeal. A flirty female character can really spice up any story, and always remember, and this is a MUST, sexy female characters can only have names starting in 'V' like Veronica, Vicky or Vulvetta. Using these tips you can really take this dark sexy romp to the next level, keep it up!